It has come to my attention over the past couple of years that I have not been very good at setting boundaries, both for myself and for others in my life.
Some of it this has been shown to me as a result of behaviors I have seen within myself- not a pretty thing to see at all and one that we are forced to make choices about- deal with it, or die a slow painful emotional death to our own tragic need to control.
Some of it has been shown to me as a result of behaviors I have seen in others and their need to control- a hard thing to see because it requires some kind of action on our part. Action that we can not control the responses of and that have a wider implication than just ourselves.
Naturally, I am not a very good boundary setter. I have in the past been too easy to manipulate as I am a typical people pleaser who wants others to think kindly of her.
So often I would abandon what I felt to be a boundary just so that I could have the approval of another.
Then I would find myself feeling resentful, because it had felt like something had been stolen from me. And in essence it had. Somebody was manipulating/controlling me, in order to get something for themselves. Sometimes this behavior was subtle and sometimes it was incredibly obvious.
But either way I would give in to it- so that I could be liked, or so I would not rock the boat.
It also allowed me to feel like a victim and a martyr. A position that I got used to for many years, but one that now makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.
So here are 10 tips I have learned in the last little while about setting Boundaries.
Oh and when I say learned- they are things I am actually now internalizing!
1.
Saying no does not make you a bad person or a rotten Christian. But how you say it can make a big difference.2.
Be kind to yourself and know what you can and can't handle- realistically.3.
Realize that some journeys are for other people to walk alone and nothing you can do can actually make that any easier for them.4.
Listen to your body, your mind and your Spirit and set boundaries according to your health in all of these areas. Some days you maybe stronger and more able than others.5.
There is a difference between supporting someone on their journey and being 'forced' to walk that path for them.6.
Healthy friendships do not require manipulation in order to gain something from you. They do however require authentic and real conversations that reflect what you can and can't give someone. 7.
Do be careful to do things with right motives. Be truthful for your reasons about the boundaries you are setting. Do not become selfish in your boundary setting or use this as way of controlling or manipulating others. Be generous in a healthy manner. 8.
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